2-14-25
I regretfully misplaced this journal, so yesterday’s passage/entry on work and ownership of that work is in a google doc. I shall print it out and file it in this journal.
Use of the word “shall” over “should.” More declarative. I shall use shall over should.
Some notes I jotted down yesterday.
“Dream job: artist and stay at home dad.”
“I hope when spring comes I am ready to meet it.”
Upon reflection, that second statement should (shall?) be declarative. “When spring comes I will be ready to meet it.” To use the phrases of the time “I’m in my declarations (declarative?) era.”
Synthesizing those two statements from yesterday, the main thesis/them/intention is that I want to experience and explore this era of my life to its fullest. There’s a fork in the road here for where my writing can go, I shall jot them both down for posterity's sake.
That life/adulthood as I have observed it seems to flow towards drudgery.
That I personally wish to have a full and satisfying life.
These ideas are two sides of the same coin. It is just that they are in opposition to each other. Because if the flow is towards drudgery, then pursuit of an exploratory and fulfilling life is against that flow. But, that flow is not necessarily the natural flow. No no, I believe the natural flow is towards enlightenment, self actualization, or whatever you wish to call it. I believe there is more, always more. It is simply these invented trappings, these self imposed shackles, that weigh us down and drag us towards drudgery.
Now, exactly how sinister these forces are, I do not know. I do not feel confident enough to say that these companies want our attention as a way to oppress us and keep us unhappy. I feel that might be giving them too much credit (though, if it turns out to be the case, I will not be too surprised). But, without making an accusation like that, I can see how attention is a resource/commodity that is ripe for making a profit off of. If these tech giants are doing it with the intention to oppress, and not just to make a buck (billions), then kudos to you, the title of “genius” might be earned. Though, I personally would put the word “evil” in front of it.
Anyway, a conclusion, or, I wish I knew a word for a summarization of a basket of ideas that then builds to a larger thing. Is that a thesis? Or a hypothesis? Regardless, I’ll use the word thesis here.
The thesis here is that I want to find meaning/something in this part of my life. There is more to explore and to learn, and that can only be done through listening to, and following, myself.
The seed of the idea here was contemplating what my answer to the question “what would be your dream job?” Would be. Initially, and hastily, my first thought was “artist.” Then, I’m ashamed to say, part of me wanted to answer “art teacher.” But then, a dialogue:
“I can’t become an art teacher, my whole family became teachers.”
“That’s not a good enough reason.”
“Okay, then, it’s that I wouldn’t feel comfortable being an art teacher if I didn’t have the experience of actually pursuing art.”
“So, say you did honestly pursue art for whatever amount of time you deem necessary as a prerequisite for teaching art?”
“Well, I would hope to have achieved that by my mid-thirties (hopefully sooner though).”
“Then what?”
“Then I’d feel confident in passing down my knowledge to someone younger.” My recollection of the specifics here gets fuzzy, for this internal dialogue occurred yesterday. Or, it’s just that it ceased to be a dialogue.
My thoughts turned to imparting my knowledge and life experience on a child. I came to terms and accepted “I would be fine with being an art teacher, but just not now.” But then, two ideas sprung into my head. 1. Teaching art still feels like a stopping of my forward progress. 2. Why not impart that wisdom/knowledge/experience onto children of my own?
I suppose one conclusion that can be made from this is that yesterday I decided I do want to have children*. *TERMS SUBJECT TO CHANGE, RESTRICTIONS APPLY.
Through all of this though, the main flow of life’s river has been the pursuit of “more.” But an internal more as opposed to an external more. It’s kind of a circular thought, but by the time I’m ready to have kids, I’ll be ready to have kids. To explain further, and less redundant, once I have the individual life experience to feel ready to impart upon a child, I will be ready to raise one.
I feel as if I am still not articulating myself well enough. In simpler terms, once I have found footing and been an adult long enough, I will then feel confident to shepard another human being. Kind of an insane way to phrase it, but I think it articulates my point.